Wednesday, January 24, 2007

body image and my IFM adventure

i posted this a few days ago without editing it, and within a few hours deleted it because i was temporarily confused about the difference between humility and arrogance and because i didn't think it had a large enough readership for a quick delete to be noticed. i got caught. the person who caught me reminded me of a few things, and i had a think about them, did an edit, and reposted. thanks.

it has been fascinating to me to see how drastically my body image and my feelings about it have changed in the last 3 or so weeks and as a result of pornocation 2007. i am so grateful for this and, though it's not the most exciting topic to discuss, i think it's worthwhile to share my experience of it. and i guess it's good PR for the site as well. (free of charge, r.)

my body and i have a occasionally-decent relationship, though i can't say we've been terribly attracted to one another over the last few years as i sort of lost my youthful metabolism, started enjoying food more and using it differently in my life, and lived somewhat sedentary lives in various countries as a student or other lower life form. there are parts of me i'm not terribly impressed by and have tended not to look at (i would imagine that most of us have these). i have made excuses about my body to other folks, most of whom have probably read through them to see insecurity provoked by much female-socialisation bullshit. my feminist politcs don't exempt me from consuming and sometimes internalising whatever image of femininity is prevalent at a given moment. what makes it more difficult is that some of us feel like bad femininsts when we become preoccupied with 'all that image stuff'. maybe we feel guilty about spending time primping or fussing or stressing that could be spent on, i don't know, the revolution or something. i have some great friends and the privilege of university education, both of which have helped me to deconstruct some of that, but that feeling is still there.

i brought that stuff with me in my contributions to ISM, BA, and IFM, starting a couple of years ago. i saw it as a safe space for me to consider and challenge them, and document the process. it didn't always feel good, but it did force me to confront my own gaze and my own sexual terrain. it also offered me an opportunity to see what everyone else seemed to be looking for: authenticity of pleasure. on several occasions, the way i felt about my stretch marks took a backseat to that expression and consumption of authentic pleasure. i got to watch myself care for myself, and that makes a lady feel good.

in the time leading up to this trip, i was feeling some antagonism toward my body, most of which revolved around cursing the school lifestyle of not enough time to cook good food and too much coffee and too much sitting in front of the computer. i realised that a big part of the trip was going to involve the documentation of my naked body, and while that was scary, my personal values wouldn't really provide the support for a statement like 'i'm not feeling pretty, i'm not coming' (and i would have had to pay for the unused plane ticket myself). so i tried to consider it a challenge to my ways of perceiving myself, reading my body, and having feelings about it. it was. by the end of those two weeks, i could have gotten my tits out for anybody and been proud to do it (if they paid or were cute).

i think part of it has to do with the intentions of the projects feck does, IFM in particular. it sort of points you toward different modes of eroticism and erotic cues from what you're used to looking at in mass culture. what they want from their contributors, and what i have to offer and want to see in myself, is authentic enjoyment of the body and carnal pleasure. my enthusiasm for self-indulgence and my release of control over the movements or faces i'm making were rewarded far more than a flat tummy or less droopy tits would have been. i don't have a porn body. most folks don't. but i do porn anyway. because i want to be honest about myself and my body and i want people to have access to an image that embodies the honesty of its creator(s).

so i felt like it was sort of my duty to do this work and to engage in honest enjoyment. i didn't expect to come out the other end with a healthier body image, necessarily - i figured i'd just feel good about the work i had done and that i had contributed something to the world i want to see. instead, i felt gorgeous. i appreciate the terrain of my body, the ways in which it reveals my personal history, my lineage, and my personality. i appreciate the expressions i never knew i made and how incredibly intimate and unique they are. i appreciate the motions of my self-pleasure. i appreciate the way i smell and taste and sound. all of this came from me being able to show it to someone with honesty and humility, and to be accepted and enjoyed anyway.

there were a few shoots that were particularly helpful in creating those feelings. the studio shoot i described in the post below was one of them, because it was languishing and expressive. that was the one i wanted to watch immediately after. there was one moment captured from one of the camera angles that sort of made me melt. it was just after an ejaculation, and the view is a direct one of my rear end (i'm on all fours). my body just sort of collapses after a huge jolt from the orgasm, and it's like i'm taking refuge from the exhaustion of it or something. i love the little 'plop' down - it signifies satisfaction and self-care to me. i know exactly what's happening in my mind when i watch that tiny moment, and it's real and that's so cool.

i also did a little 'educational' video with chloe and lilie where i showed them female ejaculation, which apparently neither of them had experience with. it can be a little intimidating to show folks your sex tricks, especially when those folks are two gorgeous australian girls with incredible bodies who i've met once before. but they were so enthusiastic and fun and relaxing that i ended up feeling great about it and appreciating the things my body does. it was really affirming and fun.

so now i'm still in this sort of afterglow where i appreciate myself and my ability to give myself love and care and sex. i associate so much of it with being in front of the camera, being with people who appreciate my zeal for the job, and being honest in looking at images of myself. i'm not suggesting that everyone who has shitty feelings about their body image should jump in front of the camera and start wanking, because we all have different responses to self-documentation and audience, but i can testify to it being really gratifying and healthy for me. maybe not everyone on IFM experiences that or thinks this much about it, and that's ok - it means different things for different folks. but this is what happened with me, and, as i said, i'm grateful.

enclosed is a photo i took a couple of days ago when testing out all the different kinds of light in my flat for an upcoming ISM shoot. i like it because it looks like i like me.


5 comments:

Desertgirl said...

Thank you.

The honesty of your documentation has given me a more rounded out picture of your roles as Contributor to IFM, Woman and Educator.

Women and men have much to learn from IFM, BA & ISM. Thank you for being part of it and contributing so much.

Blissed said...

Ooh I had to comment on the moment just after an orgasm, it's sublime isn't it. Anything your holding usually drops out of your hand, and it makes me smile to a watch a video and see that moment. I think yes! thats sooo nice, thats exactly what happens to me! :)

.

Blissed said...

BTW Thats a really cute picture.

Ms_Pants said...

i admit i hadn't read this blog until after you posted things about me on it (does this reveal that my committment to self-documentation is really nothing more than self-preoccupation?) but now i'm addicted. i was so happy to read this one because it describes exactly this sort of insecure inner turmoil i was experienced just before bs american tour came to pittsburgh. i remember being all guns blazing about it and then the closer it came the more i began to scrutinize my body. i also had some "bad feminist" feelings about what i was doing. that brings to mind all these other issues i have with high minded feminist culture and bad vs. good feminism but i won't go there. my point is that in the end i knew it was something i wanted to do and i did it and looking at the finished product really had profound effects on the way i view myself. my body is not perfect but it's mine and it houses some really important things and serves some amazing functions and it fucking rules. ok. enough rambling.

Richard said...

Your photography skills are excellent.