for the sake of posting

this is what i look like all the time. i am spending a large portion of my time with lynda (ain't she a beaut), low lighting, and poor sitting posture. we are very much in love, but even lovers need time apart.

i'm getting a little written-out (meaning tired of writing) after spending the last couple of weeks doing it furiously, so i'm going to not pressure myself to put something here until that's over. i think i'm just having a hard time putting words in a nice order, and i'm more wanting to read things than write them. right now audacia ray is what i'm interested in. i recommend going and checking it out.

i'll be here again soon, so don't go away forever. thanks to those who are reading, and those who are saying so.

xo,
bs

body image and my IFM adventure

i posted this a few days ago without editing it, and within a few hours deleted it because i was temporarily confused about the difference between humility and arrogance and because i didn't think it had a large enough readership for a quick delete to be noticed. i got caught. the person who caught me reminded me of a few things, and i had a think about them, did an edit, and reposted. thanks.

it has been fascinating to me to see how drastically my body image and my feelings about it have changed in the last 3 or so weeks and as a result of pornocation 2007. i am so grateful for this and, though it's not the most exciting topic to discuss, i think it's worthwhile to share my experience of it. and i guess it's good PR for the site as well. (free of charge, r.)

my body and i have a occasionally-decent relationship, though i can't say we've been terribly attracted to one another over the last few years as i sort of lost my youthful metabolism, started enjoying food more and using it differently in my life, and lived somewhat sedentary lives in various countries as a student or other lower life form. there are parts of me i'm not terribly impressed by and have tended not to look at (i would imagine that most of us have these). i have made excuses about my body to other folks, most of whom have probably read through them to see insecurity provoked by much female-socialisation bullshit. my feminist politcs don't exempt me from consuming and sometimes internalising whatever image of femininity is prevalent at a given moment. what makes it more difficult is that some of us feel like bad femininsts when we become preoccupied with 'all that image stuff'. maybe we feel guilty about spending time primping or fussing or stressing that could be spent on, i don't know, the revolution or something. i have some great friends and the privilege of university education, both of which have helped me to deconstruct some of that, but that feeling is still there.

i brought that stuff with me in my contributions to ISM, BA, and IFM, starting a couple of years ago. i saw it as a safe space for me to consider and challenge them, and document the process. it didn't always feel good, but it did force me to confront my own gaze and my own sexual terrain. it also offered me an opportunity to see what everyone else seemed to be looking for: authenticity of pleasure. on several occasions, the way i felt about my stretch marks took a backseat to that expression and consumption of authentic pleasure. i got to watch myself care for myself, and that makes a lady feel good.

in the time leading up to this trip, i was feeling some antagonism toward my body, most of which revolved around cursing the school lifestyle of not enough time to cook good food and too much coffee and too much sitting in front of the computer. i realised that a big part of the trip was going to involve the documentation of my naked body, and while that was scary, my personal values wouldn't really provide the support for a statement like 'i'm not feeling pretty, i'm not coming' (and i would have had to pay for the unused plane ticket myself). so i tried to consider it a challenge to my ways of perceiving myself, reading my body, and having feelings about it. it was. by the end of those two weeks, i could have gotten my tits out for anybody and been proud to do it (if they paid or were cute).

i think part of it has to do with the intentions of the projects feck does, IFM in particular. it sort of points you toward different modes of eroticism and erotic cues from what you're used to looking at in mass culture. what they want from their contributors, and what i have to offer and want to see in myself, is authentic enjoyment of the body and carnal pleasure. my enthusiasm for self-indulgence and my release of control over the movements or faces i'm making were rewarded far more than a flat tummy or less droopy tits would have been. i don't have a porn body. most folks don't. but i do porn anyway. because i want to be honest about myself and my body and i want people to have access to an image that embodies the honesty of its creator(s).

so i felt like it was sort of my duty to do this work and to engage in honest enjoyment. i didn't expect to come out the other end with a healthier body image, necessarily - i figured i'd just feel good about the work i had done and that i had contributed something to the world i want to see. instead, i felt gorgeous. i appreciate the terrain of my body, the ways in which it reveals my personal history, my lineage, and my personality. i appreciate the expressions i never knew i made and how incredibly intimate and unique they are. i appreciate the motions of my self-pleasure. i appreciate the way i smell and taste and sound. all of this came from me being able to show it to someone with honesty and humility, and to be accepted and enjoyed anyway.

there were a few shoots that were particularly helpful in creating those feelings. the studio shoot i described in the post below was one of them, because it was languishing and expressive. that was the one i wanted to watch immediately after. there was one moment captured from one of the camera angles that sort of made me melt. it was just after an ejaculation, and the view is a direct one of my rear end (i'm on all fours). my body just sort of collapses after a huge jolt from the orgasm, and it's like i'm taking refuge from the exhaustion of it or something. i love the little 'plop' down - it signifies satisfaction and self-care to me. i know exactly what's happening in my mind when i watch that tiny moment, and it's real and that's so cool.

i also did a little 'educational' video with chloe and lilie where i showed them female ejaculation, which apparently neither of them had experience with. it can be a little intimidating to show folks your sex tricks, especially when those folks are two gorgeous australian girls with incredible bodies who i've met once before. but they were so enthusiastic and fun and relaxing that i ended up feeling great about it and appreciating the things my body does. it was really affirming and fun.

so now i'm still in this sort of afterglow where i appreciate myself and my ability to give myself love and care and sex. i associate so much of it with being in front of the camera, being with people who appreciate my zeal for the job, and being honest in looking at images of myself. i'm not suggesting that everyone who has shitty feelings about their body image should jump in front of the camera and start wanking, because we all have different responses to self-documentation and audience, but i can testify to it being really gratifying and healthy for me. maybe not everyone on IFM experiences that or thinks this much about it, and that's ok - it means different things for different folks. but this is what happened with me, and, as i said, i'm grateful.

enclosed is a photo i took a couple of days ago when testing out all the different kinds of light in my flat for an upcoming ISM shoot. i like it because it looks like i like me.

masturbating on camera and things

this post contains things that might make my father uneasy. if you are somewhat squeamish about images of me during orgasm, skip it.

in addition to all of the fun, sexy, tasty, pretty things i was exposed to in melbourne, i actually did a bit of work as well. we arranged a rather busy shooting schedule because i felt up for it and we figured this was our chance to get good footage from me, so we just kinda went for it. i think i did somewhere around 7 or 8 shoots. it was exhausting and challenging.

i don't want to ruin the surprise by describing each shoot in detail, but i did want to highlight some of the really nice experiences i had. it was indulgent to have someone else do the lighting and the camerawork, and while that takes a good bit of time, it's gratifying to have people do work to make you look pretty. it's like glamour shots by deb, only sexier.

while i much prefer the location shoots on IFM, i felt like i was finally a member of the feelers' club when i got to do my studio shoot. i had done my first shoot of the trip at a location, so it was nice to sort of relax in a bed in comfy clothes with my favorite blanket. r anticipated that i might destroy the bedding, so he stacked a bunch of it on top of the bed - something like 5 or 6 layers. if there's one thing i've learned since i started ejaculating, it's that you can never underestimate your ability to soak through to the mattress, no matter what you put under you. i suggested that possibility to r and got some minor scoffing: 'it's not going to go all the way through, do you see how many layers there are?' that made it almost a challenge, to which i firmly stepped up. lo and behold, when i went to have another go in the bedroom a few days later with chloe and lilie, there was a plastic sheet over the mattress.

i can't tell you how gorgeous i felt in that shoot. i had been out for strippers the night before, so i still had some lovely sexual energy and imagery flowing through me. i had also just spent the afternoon on brunswick street looking at pretty girls and vintage shopping, so a wank around 6 was perfectly scheduled. i was totally comfortable and relaxed and had been given permission to indulge and take my time. i did. it was long and lingering and sensual and i switched around the techniques a bit (it's nice to be comfy enough to do that). i think i finished with about 5 minutes left on the tape, and i immediately asked to see the footage because it had seemed like an intriguing session to me. apparently no one asks for that after they shoot, probably because they're not voyeuristic chumps such as myself, or because they might feel awkward doing so. i'm really glad i did, though. it actually gave me more insight into the editing process and the reasons the shots are constructed as they are. if you watch an IFM shoot happen, even just one, all of your forum comments about 'bad camera angles' and 'not enough light' will go right down the drain. there is intention behind what is done and it comes through beautifully.

a couple of days later i did another solo shoot at a railyard. the comings and goings of freight and passenger trains through melbourne can be predicted with some reliability (some), and we got some great footage of that coming and going while we were there. there is something romantic and aged and slow and solitary about railways. trains make me think of rambling, of patient, un-hurried travel, of giving the rigid structure of your life up to the rail timetable. they're also about transection and translocation, and sometimes i am too, and it's always nice to have company. when i lived in england i did lots of train travel and it's so smooth and sweet and easy and contemplative.

so i dug the shoot at the tracks. there were tracks on either side of me, one set abandoned and one active. i had the privilege of displaying myself to a passenger train at about 8:30, but i was hidden enough in the brush that i don't think it much mattered. it was quite fun, actually. lazy and ramblin.

enclosed is one of my favorite photos of the trip, taken on location by the lovely ms max. thanks lady.

strippers.

things get a little heavy when you're thinking about moving to another country, so what better to take my mind off the mire for a little while than to talk about strippers.

we visited lots of strippers during my time in melbourne. the person most responsible for this is max, who is a connoisseur of fine pole dancers and who totally knows the etiquette necessary to receive a lap dance. during the first weekend of my stay, we paraded out with miss dandy and a reluctant r (stealing the abbreviating convention from the BedroomEyes blog) after a lovely dinner at the fitz. first stop was dallas, which i believe was in the cbd (central business district - check out my melbourne vernacular). the thing i remember most about dallas was the wood-paneled walls, which will forever characterise the tale of my first lap dance. max and i approached the podium (which, in the states, is what you do when you graduate) and i enabled my good etiquette by sitting on my hands. the dancer asked where i was from and how long i was staying and all of that small talk, and while i don't recall saying anything witty, she was very sweet to me. i felt a bit clueless as to what to do with my face - do i look her in the eyes, do i run them up and down her body, do i just stare at her tits (which were super cute), do i smile or look pensive? i think i settled on a cross between watching max and watching the dancer, and apparently i had a big stupid grin on my face that i was subconsciously trying to quell, because she gave me verbal permission to smile. 'the bigger the smile, the better,' she said. i got lots of tits in my face and walked back to the table cleaning the smudges off my glasses.

what a total nerd.

we moved on to bar 20 after releasing r from our greedy grasp (he looked desperate to leave as soon as 'baby got back' started playing in dallas). this is the strip club of strip clubs, so far as i could tell. we got a seat right in front of the main stage, which gave us a good angle from which to view the dancers. they had three girls dancing at a time, who would then come down from their perches to do private dances. one of the first women we saw was doing this incredibly graceful and athletic pole work, really powerful and feminine, and because i'm even more impressed with things when i'm intoxicated, i knew she must be the one. the one to give me my second career lap dance. we had to wait about 30-45 mintues to get a dance from her because she had a partner with whom she usually dances, which i thought was incredibly cool. i like the idea that these women enjoy working together and have some sort of existing relationship that i don't have anything to do with. it makes it more fun for me to enjoy the dance, probably in the same way that the ifm sponsors enjoy seeing a couple together on camera. anyway, we got to go into the 'private' rooms in the back, which are acutally semi-private but a much nicer color than the main room of the club. the lighting is better in there. we should do an ifm shoot there. (this is the way i think now - 'some girl should wank in there and we should film it.' christ.)

the private lap dance was much more touchy-feely and i felt like a 13-year-old boy ready to pop. i was having the hardest time not grinding back at the dancers and i could see myself slouching down the chair trying to get my skirt to crawl up my thighs so they'd get more attention. i think i was a little too drunk to feel her licking my neck, but i knew it was happening and that was as good as feeling it at that point. it takes a lot of legwork to hover yourself over someone for a prolonged period of time, and i was totally impressed with all of it. and all hot and bothered.

i saw one of the dancers in the toilet after our little private session, and she had those lovely black vinyl boots i fancy so much. i told her how great i thought they were. i quite like the image in my head of me with my little nose and nerdy glasses looking up at a stripper with tall boots and telling her how much i like them. you might as well give me a little sailor hat and a red wagon to tow behind me. i'm such a child around strippers.

enclosed is the 'before' photo of our strip club tour. i've exercised my best judgment in not posting the 'after' pictures as they involved a bottle of champagne that probably never should have been opened and i didn't pay the models.

to come: more on stripping, shoots, feck branding, my new friends, and how cute arielle's boyfriend is. (i'm shooting for one post a day until i've exhausted my efforts or until it seems like it's gotten old.)

i'm a shit blogger

hi kids. sorry for being such an asshole. i was having too good a time to document it. it was all i could do just to feel good and have a good time - that takes lots of energy.

i've made it safely home to sf and, after a few other life admin duties, will start working on the back story and posting some more photos. it was really incredible trip and i am walking taller (and prettier) than i was two weeks ago. in the meantime, here's a blurry photo of max and i at a shoot location last week. max is one of the sweetest people i have ever met and she's plotting to get me back to oz, which makes me feel totally cool.

vic market (day 3, saturday)

vic market (day 3, saturday)

mmmm. yes. the market was fabulous. queen victoria market is huge market with open air and indoor stalls. produce, meat, cheese, delis, bread, shoes, crafts, clothing, toys, cookware, tea, candy, and the cutest women i've seen in ages. i was moaning to myself the entire time. if there's anywhere that''s best to have an orgasm, it's the market.

i cycled to the market, so i was able to check out more of the neighbourhoods. the architecture here has quite a lot of character...lots of pastiche. it was quite crowded and the diversity was lovely to see – there were families buying roasts for midweek meals and cute trendy kids in the organics stalls, older earth mother ladies, gay men (they make excellent foodies), college kids, etc. i am fascinated with the marketplace, and i love checking them out when i travel. everyone was so friendly and there was no feeling of urgency to push through the crowd. i actually felt comfortable taking photos there, which is rare for me at a market, especially when i'm being a 'tourist.'

i spent at least an hour just walking around and checking things out, and then i spent another in the organics stalls. vic market has its organics sort of quarantined from the rest of the produce. at first i didn't like it because it made the market feel slightly ghettoized and because i was afraid that there would be no variety between stalls in the single laneway. i asked one of the hippies who worked there what the deal was with the other produce that wasn't in the organics lane, as in the states and in the uk you'll often find that many of the farmers are using organic practices but can't afford (or are rejecting) the certifying process, which apparently costs quite a bit. but he told me that all of it was sprayed or not biodynamic, so i guess it makes sense to set off the stuff that is.

i got a lot of fruit. mangos, peaches, bananas, apples, a 'golden' kiwi (not sure what it is yet), cherries, and melon. all of it smells incredible. it's really cool to be able to get organic tropical fruit at the market. there's someone at the ferry building market in sf who is growing papayas, kiwis, and mangos, but they're nothing like this stuff.

the meat and fish stalls, which were indoors, were totally buzzing with energy. the butchers were all yelling out their specials and there was so much commerce going on. i took some photographs, but i'd really like to be able to capture the sound of that particular part of the market as it created such a pulse. i'm thinking about taking the video camera back next week.

i rode home with two bags of fruit & veggies on my back, which was rather difficult but made me feel like a total trooper since i had never ridden on these roads before and because i haven't been on a bike in months. when i got home i laid them all out as a sign of victory over the safeway food i'd been eating. dandy got to share in my market glory when i made her a snack with my carefully-purchased food.

more soon on the adventures and the big fucking high i'm on from being here and feeling so comfortable and feeling like this was totally the right thing to do to come here. i'm already plotting my next visit. everyone here is fucking awesome and so hard-working and brilliant and open. and today i did a studio shoot and it felt lovely and had a great deal of good energy going round in it. for those into enthusiastic wankers, you may thank me in advance for the good show.

will try to get a flickr account started soon to share more photos.

xo,
bs

day 1 & 2 miscellany

today is day 3, and my second day of being up at 7 am. not sure what that's all about...no matter how exhausted i am, i can't sleep past then. yesterday i took a walk down brunswick st. in fitzroy, which is a sort of artsy, bohemian neighbourhood with lots of cafes & shops. the vintage shopping here seems like it's going to be fantastic, and as i've just been paid for my first shoot, it's only a matter of time before i blow it all on clothes. i love vintage shopping in other countries, because when i get compliments on the stuff i find, i get to say, 'i got it at a flea market in amsterdam' or something like that, revealing what a well-travelled global douche i really am. if i get anything fantastic i'll be sure to post some photos.

anyway, the neighbourhood is really cute, and i've really only seen a small part of it. yesterday my mission was to find some decent coffee for my flat. i was quite concerned about my coffee thing before i left, as i've sort of developed a little ritual around it at my place in san francisco. there's a place at the ferry building farmers' market called blue bottle coffee that sells amazing coffee that they've roasted the day before, and i really enjoy the slow process of making it and the buttery-ness of cream top milk added to it. i'm quite attached to it and wanted to find a version of it here. the lovely girls at atomic coffee (picture to follow, as soon as i take one) helped me choose the right bean and were really sweet and very cute. the girls here are so fucking cute. and they have great style, and sometimes bikes. it is a feast for the eyes.

yesterday for lunch, richard had a 'american' club sandwich and fries. the menu said 'american,' but i believe that an american club sandwich is ham and turkey, and this one was ham and chicken. also, if it was truly american, it would have been made by someone who had been to the toilet recently and not washed their hands, but i didn't bother asking the server about that as she seemed quite busy. i had 'nachos.' i thought it was worth checking out an australian take on mexican food. but the true test will be to see how they do burritos. another mission for me.

yesterday i did my first shoot for ifm upon a glass table with lots of pretty lighting. it is fucking hot here, and i had the good fortune of ending up in a long-sleeved polyester shirt, but i got the job done and all was well. it was quite a different experience to have someone else (richard and max) setting up all of the equipment and the angles and all of that. i think i'm learning quite a bit about lighting and composition by watching them. they're brilliant at what they do, and max is a fucking creative genius - she has a pretty constant flow of ideas and detail attention. it's quite fascinating to watch.

speaking of things which are fascinating to watch: i had the privilege (start building up your defences to jealousy now) of watching a shoot with chloe and lilie. this was absolutely the highlight of my day - watching their orgasms was better than having one myself. i'm not going to say much about the scenario as i don't want to spoil the surprise for the ifm folks, who are in for a real fucking treat when this one comes out. i was already with max and richard after doing my own shoot, so i just sort of stuck around to watch the show. lilie and chloe are adorable and their interactions are so much fun and really authentic and intimate. they didn't seem to be bothered that i was there as a total voyeur the entire time, which i appreciated. i am less an exhibitionist and more a voyeur, so this was so much fun for me. i would have loved to have had a camera on myself so that i could watch myself watching them - i'm sure the expression on my face was priceless. maybe i should start bringing my handycam to these things.

after the shoot, we went back to the office and arranged a little female ejaculation tutorial between chloe, lilie, and myself to happen this week. (score!) after watching them i was really keen to start working with other people, because it seems like it would really draw your attention away from the cameras and more into the situation and the other person. i haven't been in front of a camera for quite some time, and i think it's going to take a few shoots for me to warm up to it again. i'm glad that i'm going to have my first shoot with other people with those girls, because they're totally enthusiastic and really good-natured and relaxed, and i feel like i'm somewhat accustomed to their bodies after watching them for a couple of hours yesterday. and i get to share my sweet skills!

i had dinner with richard last night. conversations with him are really rigourous and energetic, and i quite enjoy that. we discussed the senselessness of much american foreign policy, and i was happy to hear him remark on bush's beady little eyes, because i've been thinking that for years but never heard anyone else mention that. he also informed me that in mainstream american porn, affluence is sexy, so you see women on the front cover with diamonds and that's supposed to suggest sexuality. i hadn't noticeed that, but i think that's quite interesting and i'm interested in looking at the suggestions that porn is making about class. linda williams, here i come (again).

i apologize for the lack of pictures thus far - i've not really taken any because it's just been a matter of settling in and getting organized so far. i'm going to the queen victoria market this morning, though, so i'm hoping to get some good ones there, and i'll try to keep up from now on. i know blogs are much more exciting when they have pictures.

tonight max, the infamous dandy and i are off to the strip club, and i've heard that a night out with dandy is quite an experience. the combination of excitement and fear for my life should create fertile ground for lots of cocktail consumption. hopefully i can save a few strippers from their lives of woe, bring them home, and turn them into respectable citizens.

welcome to pornocation 2007

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